Lindsay Lohan is a wanted woman. And not in a good way. I’m talking in a legal, cops-and-robbers, high-speed-chase-down-Sunset-Boulevard, throw-you-in-the-slammer-and-get-anally-raped-with-a-toilet-bowl-cleaner kinda way. Well, maybe not that extreme, but you get the point.

It all started with a little ity-bitty indident called a DUI arrest 2 years ago. And in celeb land, the law always moves so slowly since stars are always too busy making movies, starring in TV shows, walking the catwalk, or releasing CDs. Strangely enough, LiLo hasn’t done any of that since her arrest and yet it took that long for the case to get followed up.

And what exactly is the case? Well, according to reports, Lindsay was supposed to be enrolled in an alcohol and drug rehab program as part of her probation (that’s legalese for “Shut up bitch and do as you’re told”) but hasn’t been fulfilling her end of the bargain since practically every week we see paparazzi pictures of her drunk, wasted, coked out, or just plain out of it. So now, she’s been subpoenaed to show up at court and make her case. Something that LiLo has no intention of doing!

What is it with celebs that they think they can do whatever they want and not suffer the consequences? If I were Lindsay, I would take this opportunity to finally get my shit together. I mean, come on! Drew Barrymore had it worse than her and she’s fine now. What’s stopping her from doing the same? The constant media pressure? Here’s a tip: stop doing crazy shit so people won’t have anything bad to write about you. Your failing career? You can always do a sequel to Mean Girls. It’s not rocket science – the basics of career rehab. But first you gotta go to real rehab first. And don’t say no, no, no. You’re not in a position to making any decisions right now.

So, that’s my two cents worth on this whole Lindsay Lohan thing. Let’s just hope this whole thing gets sorted out so we can go back to admiring your huge rack and porn star mouth. You’re so much sexier without the crazy. We can go back to jacking off to your hotness, like the hotness we can find right here.